This Year Belongs To Me
by squidge86
Summary: Paige is getting ready for the last year of high school. With a new found burst of confidence, can she get the girl and what will her senior year bring?
1. Chapter 1

**This** **is my first** **ever attempt at fanfic so please be gentle with me!**

**Pll and everything to do with them do not belong to me so please don't sue!**

God I can't wait until school starts, hang on what is wrong with me?

The goddess that is Emily Fields is the reason why I'm so excited to start back at school tomorrow. This is my last year at school and I have made it my mission to tell her how I really feel. Maybe she feels the same and all my dreams could true... Or maybe pigs will start flying past me. I don't have much hope, her last girlfriend was stunning. What do I have to offer her? I can barely talk to her without turning beet red and stumbling over my words. I don't have the best figure and I don't even bother looking at what clothes I put on.

Stop it Paige, where has the new found confidence gone? This is the last year and you need to man up and fight for what you want. You are worth it.

I start organising my bag for school, books, paper, pens and my little shark cuddly toy, my soon to be lucky charm.. Hopefully anyway.

It's nearly 9pm and I need an early night as swim practice is at 6:30.

Emily in a suit is the hottest sight I have ever seen, especially when she lifts her self out of the water. Water dripping down that body which has a suit that looks like it has been painted on. Oh jeez what a figure, perfect brea... PAIGE! Stop it you'll never get to sleep horning over her.

I get into my nightware and jump into bed, hoping to dream of my hearts desire.

It's 5 am and I get ready for the first practice of the year. I am so excited I actually skip around the house, lord have mercy on me! I wonder if my good mood will bring me any joy with Emily today. I make an effort with my outfit. I've chosen tight dark grey jeans and quite a revealing skin tight white t-shirt with my new fitted vintage leather jacket. I'm hoping to get Emily to notice me enough to share more than just passing pleasantries and swim talk today.

I cycle to the school and park my bike up. I bend down to fasten my wheel lock, in doing so a pair of black high heeled boots to the side of me appear. I slowly lift my eyes up jean covered legs and I feel my breath stop at the sight in front of me.

"Hey Paige."


	2. Chapter 2

**Thankyou so much for the reviews and the follows :). I haven't done any kind of creative writing since high school and that was well over 10 years ago. But i have been reading fanfiction in the mean time since high school. I'm English so I apologise if any phrases or words don't make sense to my overseas neighbours! I do have an overall plan of where I am going with this, but things could change slightly along the way. All mistakes are mine, hopefully not too many. Constructive critiscm is extremely welcome. Paige and Emily and Pll do not belong to me. Just to mention there will be no A as I just know I won't be able to do it any justice! **

"Hey Paige."

My eyes trail up that body and catch her eyes. Man those eyes, they make me melt and unable to form coherent words let alone sentences. My breathe is stuck in my throat, and I make a gurgling embarrassing squeal as I try to greet her. Smooth Paige, smooth. I try to stand up, but as I'm clutz McGee I stager in to the bike stand making an almighty racket. Emily just giggles and helps me up straight.

"Are you ok Paige? I see the summer hasn't cured you from your clumsiness, but then again, it's part of your charm." She smiles at me as she says this, wait is that a smirk? Man she's beautiful... Dammit Paige stop staring and say something, you haven't actually said anything other than a teenage boy's gurgled hi.

"Er, yeah not cured yet."

Well damn she's really going to fall for that suave, sophisticated and sexy speech there. Emily just smiles at me and asks if she can walk with me to practice. I nod my head fiercely as she leads the way. She starts chatting away about her summer and how volunteering at the local hospice really changed her view on life and how she should never have regrets and just go for the things she wants in life and how I should do the same.

Smart, athletic, sexy, beautiful, compassionate, selfless and now with extra sexy life grabbing confidence, can she actually get anymore perfect? This makes me doubt myself, there is no way in hell she would want me. She doesn't even know I'm gay, heck no-one does except my older sister Scarlett. Where would I be without Scarlett, she has been my saviour in more ways than one. No I must be positive, grab life by the balls...eww bad visual, but the sentiments there. Be confident, this is day 1 of the rest of your life, say something! Damn, when did she stop talking?

"Willyougotothebrewwithmeafte rschool." I pushed out. Emily stopped walking and laughed.

"What was that, I didn't quite get it?"

You can do it Paige.

"Erm, do you fancy getting a coffee after school at the Brew."

Yes! You did it, awesome. Emily's face lit up with that smile that could turn me to jelly and end wars, I'm so not exaggerating. But then as usual the self doubt sets in and I crumble.

"You know to talk swimming and stuff. I gotta make sure I keep kicking your ass." Emily's smile slightly falters.

Why Paige? Why? She actually looked really up for going for coffee with you, without the pretense of swimming.

"I would love too."

Oh my god! Yes yes yes! I am doing a little dance in my head. Must not let this show to the outside world. I don't want to scare her off.

Emily seems to be contemplating something, please don't change your mind so soon, I think I might just die! Stop being so bloody dramatic.

"How about we make it dinner, there is this new kitschy 50's diner I've been dying to try?"

Yes, yes, yes with a million bells on!

"Yeah that sounds great. What time do you want me to get there?"

"Oh don't worry about that, I'll pick you up at 7." She grins at me and then tells me she will meet me by the pool, she just has a few errands to do first.

I'm left standing there, in the empty corridor. Emily, the sex goddess of Rosewood has asked me, the most awkward person in the history of the world, to go to dinner with her. And do you know what I actually did, I fist pumped the air and woo hoo'd so loudly it echoed.

I'm such a dork.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you so much for the reviews and the follows, really didn't think anyone would so thank you :). Updates won't be this frequent for long, I just seem to be on a roll at the moment. Usual disclaimers apply.**

The rest of the school day goes by in a haze. I can't believe it, she actually asked me to dinner. She didn't actually say it was a date, but still I get to have a meal with her alone. I really need to concentrate on my charm, and stop being such a damn clutz! And jeez what shall I wear?

Casual or dressy?

What is she going to wear?

What will I say?

How am I supposed to act?

Does Emily think this is a date or just having some food as friends?

I'm sat in the middle of the floor in my bedroom and it looks like a clothes bomb has hit it. There's only one thing for it, I'm going to have to call Scarlett before I hyperventilate and die! Scarlett is my big sister, best friend and the person I trust most in my life. She was there with me, supporting me when I couldn't do it myself. But I don't want to think about that time right now. It still hurts to think about that. Come on Paige, that's the old you, the new you is in 2 hours about to be picked up by the love of my life and I haven't got a clue what to wear, say or how to act around her. I pick up my iPhone and I bring up Scar's contact ID and it starts to ring.

"Hey, Poodle!"

"Scar! Please stop calling me that!"

"Haha, no chance, it's been there for 13 years and I'm not stopping now."

"Ugh! You suck so much, why do I bother keeping in contact with you?"

"Because you wuv me Poodle!"

"Hmm, sometimes I wonder why?!"

"haha, shut it you. Anyway, why the hell did you ring me?"

"Because, big sis, I am having dinner with my future wife!"

"Wow, that's freaking amazing. So you actually asked her out?"

"Well, no not exactly. She actually asked me to check out this 50's style diner with her. And in the words of Bridesmaids, 'who asks another woman to go to Paris with her, Lesbian!' I think this is a similar kind of situation"

"You are such a grade A dork poodle, but I still love you even with that disability you have called verbal diarrhoea."

"Ha fricking ha! Now tell me what to wear, how to act, what to do everything!"

I'm really starting to freak out now, I don't want to be reading this completely wrong, but I'm sure girls don't ask other girls out to dinner that they don't know all that well.

Scar knows exactly how to calm me down, sometimes it's just her voice that does it. I miss her so much, since she's been at NYU studying psychology. This is her third year there. She tells me to go smart casual, with a little bit of make up and to show off my chest. Which kinda disturbs me, having my own sister tell me that. Anyway, I wear these tight black pants, boots, a red silky button up shirt and my leather jacket. Hey that jacket got me this kind of date, so hopefully it will bring me luck tonight. I take a photo of myself and send it to Scar for her approval. I get a message back straight away, just telling me to open one more button. She better be right about this, because I don't want to be walking around with the girls out for no reason.

It's 6:45pm and I make my way downstairs, to wait for Emily in the kitchen. My mum and dad are around the table eating their dinner when the look up at me and my dad whistles his approval at me.

"Dad! Shut up!"

"well I'm sorry Poodle but you look great. Emily won't know what's hit her when she sees you."

"Dad I really hope I have the right idea about tonight. She is just so amazing."

"Well if she isn't interested in you, then she's a fool! Right I want you back by 10:30 it is a school night you know?"

"I know dad."

I hear the doorbell ring. Oh my god oh my god oh my god, she's here.

Sensing my sudden stress, my dad brings me close and hugs me tight.

"Paige you are a beautiful person, inside and out. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. You can do this, just relax and be yourself. Me and your mum love you very much."

I feel like tearing up, my dad didn't use to be vocal with his feelings. So what he said to me means so much to me. My mum hugs me, smiles and tells me to knock her dead with my wit and charm. I'm not sure whether she's taking the piss out of me with that one, but it helps me balance none the less.

I take a deep breath and walk towards the front door. Quick look in the mirror near the door to make sure I look presentable, no labels or toilet paper sticking out anywhere. I open the door to find the most beautiful girl in the world standing there, with a huge smile on her face and a single white rose in her hand.


	4. Chapter 4

I just stand there my mouth agape in shock. OMG is that rose for me, or has she just got the wrong house. Oh my god what if she has just got the wrong house and that isn't for me at all. Jeez, her mouth is moving, she must be talking. Crap what did she say, how long have I just been standing there staring at her for?

"Paige..Paige!"

She gently touches my arm and I come round from my daze. God she smells amazing.. Paige! Focus!.

"Hi Emily, wow look stunning."

And she really did, She had the tightest pair of red skinny jeans on, black stiletto boots and a black plunging sequin top on. Jesus H Christ how am I going to be able to keep my eyes north when she wears a top like that.

"Why thank you, Paige. I have to say you look sexy as hell tonight. Here I got you this, something beautiful for someone beautiful." She passed it to me and placed a soft lingering kiss on my cheek.

I think I have died and gone to heaven. I may not be the best at reading people, but I think this all means she thinks its a date as well. I've never seen her like that with her friends before, so it must mean something. She is such a charmer, and wow what a shirt, seriously there is far too much flesh on show for me to function right now.

"Paige, my eyes are up here hun."

Shit, just been caught, its going to be a long night I think. Man that smirk is so hot.

"Sorry."

I must look like a tomato right now I'm blushing that hard.

"Come on then, your carriage awaits."

I make sure I have everything in my bag, put the rose down in a vase near the door and I shout bye loudly to my parents, even though I'm pretty sure they have just been eavesdropping and probably just around the corner.

"OK darling, have a good time, don't forget your curfew. Be safe."

I close the door behind me and I follow Emily to her car. Not just any car, her beautiful Toyota. Emily opens the door for me and I blush as I thank her. We both get fastened in and shel tells me it's just a 20 minute drive from here. She gives me her iphone and tells me I can pick whatever music I want.

She has a similar eclectic taste of music as me. She literally cant get any more perfect. I make a quick playlist and press play. I try to discreetly watch for Emily's reaction to my choice as the first notes stream through the car of Nothing else matters by Metallica. To my amazement she has a beaming smile on her face as she recognizes the song straight away.

"Excellent choice there Paige."

The trip just seemed to fly by as we both listened to my playlist,i put quite a selection on, Metallica, Slipknot, AFI, prodigy, ABBA and the spice girls! Damn I think I showed my nerd too early. But Emily didn't seem to mind we both sang loud to all the songs. We pulled up at the Diner and I have just suddenly got really nervous. I cant hide behind singing now, I have to make conversation now and I just don't know how well I'm going to succeed with that.

"Haha, I can't believe we share the same awesome taste in music, I have to say the more I get to know you the more enticing I mean interesting you get." God did she just say that, and she's blushing. She's so beautiful when she blushes. She quickly changes the subject by rushing out the car to open my door. She reaches out her hand for mine and helps me out the car.

SWOON!

We're both standing outside the car and we just stare into each others eyes.

I want to kiss her so much right now. She blinks and seems to shake herself awake.

"Come on lets get inside before we freeze."

She interlocks her fingers into mine and leads me to the entrance.

I'm feeling nothing but heat right now and not just in my hands.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry, updates are 1000 years in between, but thank you soo much for the follows and especially the reviews. :-D**

******Usual disclaimers apply etc etc**

******All mistakes my own**

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We get to the door and she let's go of my hand. She then precedes to open the door for me. God she is just too cute for words.

We get seated right away by a bubbly older lady with bright pink hair, just like Frenchie from grease.

Everything here is so 50's style and so bright and tacky. It is amazing! I spot a happy days karaoke machine in the corner.

"this place so reminds me of grease, don't you think?" I say as I finally turn round to face Emily after surveying the room.

Wow.

She is staring at me with such, I hope, lust in her eyes we just end up staring at each other for what seems like an eternity.

*cough* "Erm what did you just say sorry," she looks down sheepishly and blushes.

"I just said this place reminds me so much of grease, which has to be one I my favourite musicals ever!"

"haha it is! Grease is mine too, I think I may have watched it 100 times, that's why I really wanted to come here. But obviously I wanted to spend alone time with you more."

I don't know how she manages to make a sexy smirk shy, but god dammit she is doing it right now.

Please kill me now because if she keeps looking at me like that I will take her on this table, and I'm too young to be a prison bitch when we get arrested for indecent exposure!

Would be worth it though... Hmmm maybe not.

'Frenchie,' as she is now named in my mind takes our drinks and food orders. Emily and I end up just making chit chat and talking about music, films,school and bits and pieces while we eat.

She makes me feel so at ease, she is so perfect. I really hope this is a real date and I'm not just being delusional.

I excuse myself to go to the bathroom. When I come back I find that Emily has paid and bought me a huge chunk of chocolate fudge cake or take home with me. I'm seriously considering proposing to her right now just for that cake.

She stands up an reaches for my hand, to lead us back to the car.

Her hand is so soft and her fingers are long and slender like an artists or pianists.

She opens the car door for me and I get into the passenger seat, she walks around and gets into her seat.

Then there is silence as Emily looks through the windscreen into the distance. It's looks like she's contemplating something serious.

Emily then breaks the silence, "I want to take you somewhere, where I go when I want to be at peace, or searching for answers?"

I wonder what kind of answers this perfect specimen of a human being needs.

"yeah, that sounds great."

She beams at me an looks relieved.

The raven goddess turns the engine on an pulls out of the parking lot and we head along into the night.

"I've never taken anyone there before, it's a little bit of a walk and can seem a little bit scary at night. But I'll hold your hand and protect you." she glances at me and beams her perfect white teeth at me.

Seriously, this start to senior year is immense! I wonder if this place is secluded... I hope so...PAIGE! Thoughts of the gutter, now!


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you sooooooo sooooo much for all the reviews and follows. Can't believe there are actually people who like it :D freaking A! Sorry for delays and short chapters but I'm back full time at work and my concentration is poor. I have a lot of ideas, it's not going to all be fluff, there will be angst and unrequited love! The other liars will be involved down the line. And again thank you so much for the support.**

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We go out of town a bit, and end up driving along some very dark winding roads. We've driven for about 15 minutes and Emily parks up on the side of a road. The only light is from the stars twinkling in the jet black night. There isn't a cloud in the sky and it feels like you can see every star in the universe. I love night time, it's when I find the most peace with life, especially when it's silent and all you can hear is nature. My favourite is when I'm wrapped up warm in bed, I have the window open and I can hear the rain lashing outside and it's even more relaxing when there is thunder and lightning. Call me odd but thats what I love.

"Paige, we're here. I have flash lights in my boot, let's get out and I'll show you my spot."

"Ok, but as long as you protect and hold me."

Woah, did I just say that?  
She looks at me like I've just made her day. Score one for me!

"Of course, I did promise you. It would be my honour to protect... And hold you."  
Em does this dorky bow, like she's some knight protecting a princess! She's so funny.  
She walks to her trunk and gets a huge flashlight and a rucksack. She puts the rucksack on her back and turns the flashlight on. She tentatively holds my hand, and starts leading me the way through the trees. Oh my god I hope my hands aren't clammy, god kill me now if they are.

While we walk through the woods, she starts rubbing the back of my hand gently. We walk for about 5 minutes weaving through the trees and we finally head out through a clearing.  
I stop in my tracks and just marvel at this paradise in front of me.  
I can't believe how beautiful this place is. In front of me is a small lake, and the moon is mirrored on to the water. It's a full moon tonight and it's just reflected perfectly on to this lake. All around are various different flowers and flowering bushes. The trees surrounding it look like ther are arching over the lake. This scene looks like a scene from a fairy tale.  
I hear a giggle from next to me and I turn to look at Em while I presume my mouth looks like its catching flies.

"Beautiful."

"I know, it's just... I can't even say, it's just perfect." I stumble out.

"I was talking about you."

Bloody hell, how can she even be serious. She's an absolute sex goddess and she's calling me beautiful. Me? I'm nothing special at all.

"Don't look so shocked Paige, believe me when I say I think you are so beautiful. Now come on, I've got a blanket we can lie on and a big sleeping bag we can lie in. I thought we could look at the stars and talk."

This is surpassing any dreams I've even had about spending time with Emily... Except for that one where a lot of leather is involved, but maybe one day... Baby steps Paige baby steps.  
She sets out the blanket and sleeping bag that was in her rucksack and gets a pillow out.  
We get into the sleeping bag after we take ours shoes off.

"Em, there's only one pillow."

"I know," she grins, "We'll just have to share." she extends her arm and I smile as she wants me to snuggle into her. Well it would be rude not too wouldn't it?


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks so much for the favs and follows and especially for the reviews. Hope you like this new chapter.**

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I slowly lie down and place my head on her shoulder. She wraps her arm around my shoulders and draws me towards her body. I pause and then I wrap my arm around her waist and snuggle in close.  
God she smells beautiful. Mmmmm, her perfume is Narcisco Rodriguez. My absolute favourite.

We just lie there for what seems a heavenly eternity. I close my eyes and concentrate on the sound of the water and Emily's steady breathing.  
This must be what perfect calmness feels like. I've never experienced anything like it.

I find myself rubbing gentle circles on Em's stomach. Oh my god, I'm sure I could grate cheese on those abs. I can feel her hitch her breathe at my touch. She pulls me in a bit firmer.

I'm so intoxicated with her. I find myself becoming bolder and sliding my hand slightly up her top and carry on my task. Emily holds her breathe and after a few seconds she exhales slowly and lets out a near in audible moan.

Damn, that went straight to my centre and I try to discreetly clench my thighs to cease the ache.

Her skin is so soft and I run my fingers all over and along her abs. Emily moans at this and I notice her breathing is getting shallower. She takes my hand gently in hers.

"Paige, if you don't stop that, I won't be responsible for my actions," she giggles.

I feel my face burning up. I sit straight up and look away from her.  
What the fuck Paige? I'm not even sure if this is really a date and I'm already molesting her.

I stand up and try to wipe away the invisible dirt on my clothes.  
"I'm so sorry Em. I really have to go. I'm going to be late for my curfew."  
Total lie. It's isn't for another hour or so. But I really need to leave. I can't believe what I just did. I'm an animal. Christ what is wrong with me?  
I can't even look at her, I'm so embarrassed with my actions. I hear Emily standing up.

"Paige... Paige, it's fine. I was really enjoying myself, really."

I know she's just saying that to be polite, because she's perfect. Too good for a fuck up like me. I really thought we were gettin somewhere, but nooooo I have to ruin it don't I?

"please can you just take me home."

"Erm yeah sure, if that's what you want? Just let me pack up the stuff."

She sounds a bit shocked, but I know I'm doing the right thing here. I'm not right for her.  
Why did I ever even think I would deserve someone like her!  
I help her pack and we walk back in an awkward silence. We get in the car and head back. The radio quietly playing in the background is the only sound.

We pull up to my house and Emily turns the ignition off.  
She grabs my hand, "I had a really really good time tonight, in fact the best. I don't know what happened back there or what you were thinking. But I thought you should know how I felt. I hope we can do this again sometime?"

Why?

Why would she want to be with a freak like me? I have to get away from her because I just can't trust myself. She needs to be with someone who would treat her right and who is her equal.

I mumble a don't know and exit the car. I practically sprint to the front door. I fumble with my keys while I internally berate myself. I don't dare to look back as I let myself into the house. I hear the tv on in the lounge, but I just can't be around anyone right now. So I run up the stairs and fall head first into my bed, willing my tears not to come.


	8. Chapter 8

Thank you soo so much again for reviews and follows. Anybody got requests what they want/don't want to see? Hope people are still enjoying it. And any constructive criticism is extremely welcome.

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*riiiiiiiinnnngggg*

Ugh, the alarm. Kill it! Kill it with fire!  
I reach for my phone on my night stand and turn the alarm off. My eyes are killing, and im so tired.

Fuck.

Everything from last night comes flooding back. I can't believe I did what I did. I've just ruined everything.  
Those thoughts I've worked so hard to make disappear feeling like they are coming back. The feelings building in my stomach.

No. Stop it Paige. Do you remember how hard last year was? No, take some deep breaths and think about the positives in my life.  
I do some deep slow breathing and think about how far I come. I finally get out of bed and go to my en suite shower and get undressed. I turn the temperature to a cool level.  
Phew that's cold. But I need it to wake up. I finish up my shower and get dressed into some skinny jeans and my Ride The Lightning Metallica t-shirt.

I go downstairs and hope my parents are not downstairs, because I'm so embarrassed by my behaviour last night.  
I pause at the kitchen door, I see my mum and dad both look at me expectantly.  
Crap. I need to leave but I'm starving!I quickly, walk to the fruit bowl and grab a banana.  
"Paige, wait. Well how did it go last night?" my dad asks.  
I pause and don't turn around to them. I don't want them to be ashamed of me anymore, not after what I put them through.  
"Erm, ok." I say.  
"what that's it? Just ok? What happened? You both looked so happy when you left."  
"I don't know, I made a fool of myself. So don't expect her coming round again." I quickly explain, while I grab my bag and run out of the house but they can get anything else out of me.

I grab my bike out of the back garden and start my ride too school. Shit I'm going to have to avoid Emily all day, i'm so embarrassed. How am I going to handle it when we are in the same class as well today? And don't even get me started on Spencer. Jeez, I'm not looking forward to her confrontation if Emily tell her what I did.

Aggghhhh!

I finish my Ride to school and lock my bike up to the rack. I start walking to my locker with the hope of avoiding Emily. I get there and start putting my chemistry folders into my bag. Looking to my right I see Emily walking this way with her friends. Shit I need to get out of here. I look again at this gorgeous figure in front of me and we make eye contact.  
Shit. But wait why is she smiling at me? Fuck, I got to go, so I race to my first lesson of the day.  
Ten minutes early I arrive to the room and im the only one there. Sitting down on the back bench I get my stuff out and just play with a game on my phone. Five minutes later I feel someone sit next to me.I look up and it's her.  
"Hey Paige, is it alright if I sit next to you?"  
I must look like a rabbit in the headlights. I think I nod, because I just don't think I can physically get words out. Why is she sitting so close to me? Is she crazy? I violated her nd she is just sitting there looking at me with a gorgeous wide smile on her face. Everyone has took their places now just chatting to themselves.  
I look to the board as I realise I'm staring. She leans into me and whispers into my ear, "I only stopped you because I didnt want people thinking someone was getting killed, with how loud I expected you were going to make me scream.".  
I think my eyes fell out with how hard they bulged out of my skull.


	9. Chapter 9

Because I was on a bit I a roll, I wrote another chapter.

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Wow. I'm just speechless.

My face feels like its on fire and I hear giggling to my side. Jesus, she's hot.

Well, least now I know I didn't make her uncomfortable.  
Is it me or has someone turned the heating up a 100 degrees?  
Would she mind if I just took her on the table and gave the class a show, because man she has just got me so horny right now.

Emily then rests her hand on my thigh and draws circles on there.  
I can't even look at her, because if I do I'm going to have to kiss her. And I really don't want our first kiss like this.

I'm sure the teacher is droning on about something but have no idea what he's going on about. Emily slowly lowers her hand down my thigh and up again. Bloody hell is she trying to kill me? I can feel myself getting so wet. I unconsciously squeeze my thighs together, to ease the pain there. She whispers again in my ear, "you really need to concentrate on what the teacher is saying Paige you look awfully distracted." then se quietly laughs and goes back to writing her notes, taking her hand with her.  
Fuck, another cold shower is needed.

The rest of the day went by incident free but no further sightings of Emily.  
I go to collect my bike when I feel a tap on my shoulder. It's spencer. "hi Paige, I hope you are trying out for soccer this week. We really missed you at the end of the last school year. Where did you go?"

Fuck what do I say. I don't want anyone ever to know about why happened.

"Erm I had the flu... Yeah really badly. Bed ridden for months.". Smooth Mcullers. Smooth.  
"but yeah I feel a lot stronger now so I will be trying out for soccer."

"Awww I'm so sorry to hear that Paige, but glad you feeling good now, you look really great."

She touches the top my arm and smirks at me. Ooooooookay.  
"Can't wait to play on the same team again. We make a great partnership.". With that she smiles and walks off.

What... She barely talked to me last year other than about the team. Hmmm ok, god I must be horny if I think Spencer smiled at me a little more than friendly. I need to get home right now before I explode.  
I race back to my house in record time.

I park my bike up, which will soon be replaced my a motorbike. Just $200 more and it's all mine. After begging and pleading my parents finally let me have one as long as I paid for the bike myself and they would pay for the first years insurance. Can't wait to wrap my legs around her.. I mean it I mean the motorbike. Fuck my mind is so in the gutter today. Damn you Emily fuxking gorgeous sex on legs Fields. I can't believe she did that today.

I just can't face her right at the moment because I would do bad bad things to her, things that are probably illegal in many a state. But damn she is hot! I walk in the house and a see a note on the fridge, telling me my parents won't be back to late because they are going for a meal in Philly. And a p.s. stating that if Emily comes over to keep my bedroom door open! Jeez they are so lame and embarrassing.  
Mmm my mind wanders to thoughts of Emily and I alone in my room. Fuck, I need to deal with this.

Cold shower or alone time? Hmmmm.

Alone time I think it is. I don't even think even an ice bath would cure this ache between my legs.  
I reach my room and I strip down and lay on the bed. All the time thinking of Em. Slowly touching my breasts while closing my eyes I imagine my hands are Emily's. I trace my fingers around my nipples and they immediately I hard. I moan as I twist them a little, pretending that she is sucking on them with her juicy lips. Keeping my left hand doing it's job, my right hand strokes down my stomach and then strokes my thighs just like how Emily was doing before. The memory makes me moan loud. I finally reach my needed location and I stroke outside my slit. Yikes I'm not even in and i'm soaking wet. Feeling I'm ready I slide my finger between my lips and feel the moisture filling there. I speed up my movements slightly and start circling my clit. Fuck it feels good, I'm aching so bad I wish her tongue was there instead. Clenching and moaning at the thought I start rubbing my clit faster. Faster and faster I rub almost screaming her name I start twisting my nipple harder. I'm so close right now.

*ding dong*

Shiiiiitttttt, you have got to be kidding me! Maybe if I just ignore it they will go away. But I can't continue until I know they've gone.

*ding dong*

Fuck! I'm coming! Well I freaking was! It better be important. I throw a scrappy top on and some shorts. I go downstairs and open the door.  
"well hello Paige." she smirks while lookin me up and down and raises her eyebrow at me.

Shit, it's Emily. Fuck maybe she heard me moaning her name. Fuck, was my window open? My room is right above the front door. Shit shit shit! Oh my god oh my god. Breathe, remember to breathe.  
"Hi Emily..., Erm what you doing here?"  
"I was just wondering if we could talk, but I can see you are busy I'll call back later.". She smirks at me and looks at my shorts. Damn not only can you see that my nipples are rock hard, but my shorts are on inside out with the tag showing at the front.  
"Erm no its fine come in, I was err, Erm taking a nap. Come on in, the living room is there and I'll grab something to drink. You want a soda, water or a beer?". I ask while I blush terribly and try not to die from embarrassment. Can barely keep eye contact as well.  
"A beer would be awesome thanks!"  
She goes to the living room and collect our drinks. I try to take deep breaths and remember to myself that this was a new year and a new me. Come on be confident like you were planning to. She was flirting with you before no you need to do it back. I grab a bottle of lychee liquor, by the way best alcohol ever, and take a massive gulp of it to try and give me some liquid confidene.

Bringing the drinks in, I sit next to her on the couch and pass her drink over.

Not sure where to start, I ask I she wants me to put Netflix on which she agrees too. I set it up on my PS3 and ask her what she would like to watch.  
"Can we watch Law and Order : SVU, it's my fave programme."  
"Really? Mine too." I beam at her.  
"Yeah Benson is soooo hot, she gets me all hot under the collar."  
This woman is perfect!  
"Too right, she is gorgeous, and so is Cabot, I so wish they could get it on, that would be so sexy."  
Did I really just say that?  
"Tell me about it," she replys while taking a swig of her beer and resting her hand on my thigh again.

We settle back into the couch and I try and watch the tv, but I can't help but have to stop my self from pushing her hand further up especially since Im still so frustrated. I can see in the corner of my eye she keeps lucking at me. Come on Paige be brave, I think she wants you to make a move. And I will, just as soon as I get another beer. Standing quickly up, I ask her of she wants another drink, and she does. I start walking out the room and I turn round to ask if she wants to eat anything. But I catch her being startled and then looking up. She blushes and tells me she defiantly wants to eat something. My word I hope she means what I think she means... And wait was she looking at my butt?In sure she was, well I'll have to give her a little bit more to look at then, so I sway my hips a bit more look over my shoulder and I wink at her.

Ok operation flirt is on.  
I take another big gulp of the liquor and I grab beers and crisps. I place everything down on the table and sit back down, but very close to her this time so our legs are touching. She smiles devilishly at me and with new found confidence I lift my right arm and place it over her shoulder. I start playing with her hair and gently massage the back of her head and neck. She just moaned really load then and sent a shock right down to my core.  
"Paige that is so goooood! I wonder what else your fingers are good at." she responds while I take a swig of my beer and choke on it. She is going to be the death of me. She laughs and rubs my back while I try to steady my breathing, which in a way isn't helping, but it feels good.  
"Haha are you ok now paigey? Did I say something wrong?"  
She is such a tease, I love it!  
We end up just looking into each others eyes, and I feel I could get lost in there for days. She is just classically stunning. I need to kiss her, so my head starts slowly leaning in and she does the same. Both our eyes flicking between lips and eyes.  
"I really like you Paige, I had such an amazing time last night it was perfect for me and you didn't make me uncomfortable in the slightest. I want to kiss you now."  
"Please," I beg.  
Our lips are almost together.  
"haha well sorry lil sis for disturbing the party."


	10. Chapter 10

SHIT!

"Scar, what the hell? What you doing here?"

"well I got a call from Dad this morning, he was concerned. But I can see I interrupted something"

Her shit eating grin getting bigger and bigger.

"oh."

She just plonks herself between us.

"so what you kids up too?"

"Errm just hanging out"

"What hanging your tongue in her mouth?"

"Scar! What the fuck?"

"haha sorry poodle but it doesn't look good does it, especially when you have obviously Had your shorts off!"

Omg I can't believe her she is sooo embarrassing. I'm going to kill her!

"I think I'm going to get going Paige, I'll see you at school.". She pecks my cheek and leaves the house.

Omg she kissed me. God her lips are so soft. My skin feels on fire.

"poodle poodle, POODLE". She hits me in the arm to grab my attention.

"what the fuck scar, I can't believe you embarrassed me like that, and especially in front of her!"

"What did I do?". She grins at me trying to look innocent. Damn bitch, I was so close to kissing her, I can't believe that bloody cow ruined it!

"grrrrrr"

"calm down poodle, dad said you looked really upset this morning and he wanted me to talk to you because you didn't think the date went well with her. But with what I just saw things seem to be going just fine."

"I made a fool of myself last night, well I thought I did. But Em said I didn't. We nearly had our first kiss, but your stupid big mouth and face ruined it!" I hit her with a pillow as I say this and just sink back into the couch. I'm fed up, I was so damn close to getting to kiss her.

"Hun, I'm sorry it's just Dad was really concerned so I drove down to see you because I knew how excited you were. You're my baby sister I just wanted to check in person you were alright. Plus I couldn't resist myself when I saw you two and obviously with your pants being inside out, you know I love to tease you! By the way, why are your shorts like that, you slag!?" She smiles at me and nudges me to try and make me smile, stupid cow I wish I could be angry at her but she always makes me laugh and always makes me feel comfortable even after she teases me senseless.

"I had a nap after school and someone kept ringing the bell so I just had to grab the first clothes I could find. And it was Emily at the door. "  
"LIAR!". She screams at me! "You were having a bit of self love weren't you?! It's alright you're a woman now and you are going to have urges."  
"Ugh oh my god shut the hell up now you freak!". Fuck she can always see right through, but why did she have to know that! Ugh my face is so hot it's not making it any less obvious that she guessed correctly.  
"Anyway, so after she interrupted a little lady shuffle, what happened when she was here?"  
I may have to kill her.  
"we chilled out, and watched some Tv and just had a chat. She said she had an amazing time last night and she wanted to kiss me." I can't help the massive grin on my from spreading even wider.  
"aww my little poodle I'm so happy for you I really am. You really deserve to be happy. Plus she seems nice from the 5 seconds I saw her. Do you think I scared her off haha."  
"Well duh!"

We chat for a bit and she tells me she's staying till Sunday night when she has to go back to uni. I'm glad she's staying for a bit. Even though I could kill her, she's not just my sister shes my best friend. I go take a shower and start my homework for the night, while scar hogs my ps3.  
Beep  
I look at my phone and get a text off Emily.  
*Hi POODLE, I had another awesome time tonight. Im busy now until saturday, all day and night I'm free, do you want to maybe finish where we left off ;)?*  
Yes yes and more yes!  
Right come on Paige try to be cool and sophisticated. Don't just bash the keypad because you are over excited.  
*I had a great time too. Saturday would be great. Want to meet at the Brew say 1pm? I would like to continue what we started as well :)*  
God I am so dorky and unsexy, seriously what does she see in me? But I ain't complaining!  
*btw I'm guessing that was your sister, she's hilarious! Can't wait to see you. You looked gorgeous btw, night sweet xxx*  
As I am now a pool of jelly I scrape myself up off the floor and go to bed early. Hoping I dream of her, because I'm a stalker creep!


	11. Chapter 11

Hi, I hope people are still liking this! A few reviews would be awesome thanks :D !

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The week seemed to go by so slowly for me. I saw Emily here and there, training was intense so there wasn't much time to talk to her. She kept winking at me and smirking, which is so hot! We've been swapping texts all week usually before bed time. Just asking how each of our days were and superficial things such as tastes on music and films. Plus she always sent a goodnight text and kept calling me sweet.

Scar was a nightmare all week, trying to get as much gossip from me about Emily, but I love her crazy ass. It's been so good to have her home and I'm going to miss her like crazy when she leaves again. Stupid cow, why does she have to be intelligent and go to college. She's been helping me plan day for Saturday for me. But I still can't quite make my mind up. And don't even get me started on what I'm going to wear!

Saturday morning came and I was up late. Well it's been a long week and I love lie ins so much.

"Paige! Honey get your lazy ass downstairs pronto!"

Ugh! Why is mum shouting so loud! Do they not know its 10am and far too early for shouting.

"I'll be down in a sec!" I shout back.

I get up use the loo and I go downstairs. I find mum, dad and Scar all in the kitchen with big grins on their faces.

"err what's going on?"

"Sit down honey, we have something we want to tell you.". My mum says while she grabs my hand and leads me to the table. Hmmm this can't be good.

"Hun, we know how hard the last year or so was for you. And we think you were so brave for asking for help and letting us in.."

Ugh I don't want this conversation, I don't want to think about it ever again.

"And we have seen how hard you have worked to recover and to be so strong. Also, the work you did at the centre Over the summer."

What are they getting at? Why have they decided to bring all this up again. I brought so much shame and hurt to them, how can they be so nice to me. I might be better but I'm still a freak, I know I'll never be normal.

Suddenly I find hoardes of arms and bodies around me.

"Poodle, please don't cry, I know it was a horrible time for you and we don't bring this up to upset you. In fact quite the opposite." my dad explains.

They let go and I touch my face, when did I start crying? Wait, what do they mean, the opposite?

My dad and family gently lead me outside and we stand in front of the garage. What the hell is going on? Have my family suddenly been possessed or something. They're all stood there with massive grins on their faces. It must be true, aliens have mind fucked them. Must check if ive been probed...

"Honey, this is for you. You've been through so much and you've worked so hard to get better so we all chipped in together and got you this. With that he pressed the garage fob and the door opened.

Oh. My. God!

Right in front of me is the bike of my dreams, a Kawasaki ninja 250R in lime green. I can't believe they would do this for me. After everything I did, why would they do this? I don't deserve it. I realise that my mouth is wide open and I don't know how long I've stood here looking like a fish. I can't handle this. This is too much, I'm getting a present because I'm a failure and a fuck up.

"You really shouldn't have, I don't deserve it.". With that I run inside and lock myself in my room. I just can't handle this right now. It just doesn't feel right. I don't deserve it, I don't deserve their love. My family are too good for me.

Paige, get a hold of yourself, don't let those thoughts take hold again. You remember how hard it was don't you? You remember the pain you went through. Don't let your thoughts take hold again.

Aghh see this is what I mean, I should be ecstatic with what my family have done, but as soon as I get a bad thought, they threaten to sink me. It's like trying to fight tar. I don't deserve them. I'm a loser and I always will be. I make a tough decision, I don't make it lightly but it needs to be done. I can't take te risk that I would infect her with my poison. She's just to perfect.

I get my phone out and text Emily.

*Hi, I have to cancel today. It's not going to work out between us, you deserve better, in fact you deserve the best. And i am nowhere near that.

Sorry

Paige.*


	12. Chapter 12

Thank you soooo much for all the reviews, faves and follows! :D

* * *

***knock knock***

Huh?

I find myself face first on the bed, I must have fallen asleep.

*knock knock*

Ugh... "Go away!*

Just leave me alone, I don't want to talk right now. I just want to be quiet.

"poodle, please unlock the door and let me in please."

It's scar. Reluctantly I stand up and unlock the door. I lie back on my bed and face away from her. The bed dips and she wraps her arm around me and cuddles up.

"I know you don't think you deserve good things but you do poodle. You really do. Maybe you need to have a chat to Dr Liz again. Get her perspective on how well you are doing. Or some tips if you are struggling. But please don't keep it in again, I nearly lost you Paige, I can't lose you.".

I burst out crying, why does she have to be so nice to me, so caring and make sense. Maybe I do need a catch up with Dr Liz again. It has been a while, she did warn me that it's going to be a struggle at times out of hospital. She once told me that it's easier to sink in your darkness than work hard to be happy. This is so true right now.

"I'm trying so much Scar, but it's so hard to feel worthy of even being alive sometimes. But please don't worry... If I ever feel like I'm going to go to that point I'll talk to you I promise."

"That's all I ask for hun, do you want me to get an appointment for you?"

She squeezes me a bit harder, I love my sister cuddles. "I think... That would be a good idea." I tell her. She pulls me up to a sitting position and we sit at the top of the bed while she books an appointment with me tomorrow afternoon.

"come on poodle wash your face and come outside for lunch. Dad has a BBQ going."

"okay I'll be a few minutes.". I freshen up in the bathroom and I look in my medicine cabinet. I look at my bottle of Diazepam that I should only use when needed. I toy with the idea of taking a few to make

me feel out of it so I don't have to think about anything for a while. But then I think what Scar said that I need to keep talking. So I close the door and start going downstairs and go towards the patio.

What the fu...

Why is Emily standing outside chatting and laughing with my family?


	13. Chapter 13

Sorry for very short chapter previously, I just wanted to get something out there.

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"Hi Paige". Shit, why is Emily here.

"hi". Is all I could mutter out in shock. Why is she here?

"hey hunni, Emily just popped by a few minutes ago and we invited her for our impromptu BBQ."  
Scar was standing behind my dad with a shit eating grin on her face.

"Why don't you throw you swimwear on and you girls go for a dip in the pool." My dad tells me.

Fuck I've just realised that Emily is wearing the tiniest little bikini top on known to man.

She is so hot.

"Yeah Paige, join me and Scarlett in the pool." She grins at me, how can her smile be so innocent but so damn sexy at the same time.

Scarlett is already in her bikini and swim shorts, then Emily takes her cut offs off. Scarlett grabs her hand and pushes Emily in the pool and jumps in after her. Everyone's laughing and even I crack a smile at how Emily looks so cute laughing her arse off.

I go back in and change into a swimsuit, im far too self concious for a bikini top and some board pants. I come back down to find my parents attending the grill chatting among themselves and Scar and Emily are splashing each other and chatting while lounging on the inflatable beds.  
I need to apologise to my parents and thank them so much for the bike. They really are amazing.  
"Mum.. Dad, I'm sorry for how I reacted. I'm seeing Dr liz for a catch up tomorrow."  
"Oh honey, I'm glad you are going to see her, you need to keep talking. We love you so much." My mum says while she hugs me tight.  
"I know, I just think I've become overwhelmed with things and not known how to deal with my emotions early enough. I do love the bike though. But you really didn't have todo that, I didn't have much money to save up."  
"We know, but we wanted to treat you, because you are our baby." My dad explains, making me blush.

"Well I do have to say that Emily is a lovely young lady, you snagged yourself a good one there, hold on to her."

"I know, she's amazing. But she's too good for me. I don't want to drag her down you know?"

"Let her decide that. Just because you have been Ill doesn't mean you don't deserve someone special. Look just get into that pool and get your McCullers flirt on. I've seen you drooling since you saw her." He grins and winks at me. I burst out laughing and call him a creep.

I walk over to the pool and sit on the edge, letting the water cool my legs.  
The goddess notices me and swims over to me and stands in the pool right in front of me. "Hi poodle," Emily smirks at me, "I wanted to come see you since I was so looking forward to our date today. Are you ok, what happened?".

Seriously, I blew her off last minute and she's coming to see if I'm alright? I really don't deserve her but I'm going I try and listen to my family, and let her make that decision."

"I'm so so sorry Emily, I just got nervous and... And I got down and confused. But I would really like it of you let me make it up to you, would you let me do that?" I pray she's says yes.

"hmmm well, it depends how you make it up to me." she grins, while sliding her hands up my calf under the water. "but I think I'll give you a chance." Emily winks at me and I gulp as I feel her hands on me. Before I know it, she's pulled me into the pool and we start an ultimate splash war.

We stop after a while and Emily suggests we have a race. "6 laps and the winner gets a full body massage. What do you think?" She whispers in my ear. Fuck, either way I'm a winner, so I nod rapidly.

Emily shouts over to my family and explains what's happening minus the prize that is. So my mum officiates it. It's a close battle but Emily just beats me by a fraction of a second. My family laughs as Emily jumps out and starts shouting champion. Haha I never realised she's such a dork, I love it. We both go over to the table an we start eating lunch. Everyone is chatting happily and it's like Emily has been part o the family for years.  
Once we finished, Emily nominates herself and I to clean up, while my parents and Sister relax.

Once in the kitchen, I start washing up and Emily suddenly wraps her arms around me and rests her head on my shoulders. "Is this alright?"  
I stop what I'm doing and lean my head back and relax. "Baby it is more than ok."  
"Mmmm I love you calling me that. Do you know how hot you are looking today? You really need to show off those legs more often. You are so sexy when you're soaking wet." She says all this while placing kisses on my neck and punctuating the word wet with a bite to my earlobe. I'm guessing my ears and neck are my weakness because I'm getting a whole different type of soaking wet now.  
I need to kiss her right now. If I don't I think I may die, because she's killing me right now. I turn in her arms and I look her straight in her beautiful eyes. "You are so gorgeous." She beams at me, and looks at my lips. Come on Paige just do it. So I do, I put my hands to her cheeks and I gently place my lips on hers. Seriously I think fireworks have just been let off in my stomach. This feeling is amazing, her lips are so soft. I start to move my lips against hers with new found confidence. My hands slide into her hair and I hear her almost purr. Well at least I now know one weakness, I do a little happy dance in my head. Mmm, why the hell did I wait so long to kiss her. I feel her tongue slide across my bottom lip asking for entrance, which I grant ever so eagerly. Our tongues wrestle sensually with each others. My hands tighten in her hair which makes her kiss me a bit more aggressively. Fuck if we don't stop now Im going to have to take her on the floor, but I don't want to stop.

"Excuse me ladies, can you not dry hump all over the counters please, I'm going to have to bleach them now."

We break apart fast, and I miss her touch already. Emily looks slightly mortified and I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill Scar.

"Scar! What the fuck!" Scarlett just laughs, "Parents just wanted to inform you that we are going to play some games and if you wanted to join. They were to scared at why they might see so forced me to get emotionally scarred instead." She is an actual bitch, an has the worst timing ever! "Actually I was going to ask Emily if she wants a ride.." Scar Snorts, "On my bike you pervert, but you rudely interupted me."

"Haha oh yeah I can see you were getting a lot of talking done. Anyway I'll tell them your plan. Have fun, lovely to meet you Emily. I'm going back to college tomorrow night but I hope to see you again soon."

"It was lovely meeting you too Scarlett. I hope we meet again as well, I'm sure I will." Emily beams at me while she says that and I can't help smiling back like a moron.

"Ugh stop trying to make me sick with your cuteness. Remember kids, use protection, I'm far too young and gorgeous to be an auntie yet." She walks out laughing at her own lame joke. Seriously she's an idiot but I wouldn't change her for the world.

I turn to Emily and ask her if she wants a ride. She grins at me and replies that she certainly wants me between her thighs. Fuck she will be the death of me, but what a way to go!  
I hold her hand and I lead her up to my bedroom. Properly getting butterflies, blimey we're only getting changed for a bike ride. I give some protective clothes to wear and I rush to the bathroom to change, because I don't think I could trust myself being alone and undressed with her. Emily laughed when I ran off. Once we were all ready I kissed my family and got the keys off my dad and I led Em to the garage.

"damn Paige that bike's nearly as hot as you!" I blush hard but choose to ignore that comment and get our helmets. I tell her to just wrap her arms around my waist and hold on tight. I start the engine and I get goosebumps from the sound of the engine but more so from the sexy woman I have holding on to me tightly. I push off and we start traveling around Rosewood.  
This is just perfection, I feel so free right now, cruising fast but within the limit as I'm a very conscientious driver. Plus having Emily wrapped so tight around me, life doesn't have a better feeling than this.  
Well, Emily between my thighs will be a better feeling I'm sure haha.


	14. Chapter 14

Thanks for the reviews already, you guys are awesome! :D

Beware it's going to get M rated right now!

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We drive around for about an hour. It's beyond perfect. I finally pull up at my parents lake house. We both get off the bike and take our helmets. I've barely had time to take the helmet off and Emily is all over me. God the kiss is so passionate. It's all tongues and teeth. Fuck, our hands are roaming around each others body. Her hands roam on my back under my shirt. Fuck it sends tingles up my side and further south. I reluctantly pull back.

"Wow, Em, do you want to come it for a little bit. It's my parents lake house. "

She grins, "Do you really have to ask?"

I grab her hand and we walk to the door and I unlock it. She grabs me in and pushes me against the door. She starts kissing me again, she Starts kissing my neck and sucking on it. God, she's got just the right sweet spot. I think my neck is my Achilles heal and she's abusing it right now.

"Fuck Em, you know just the spot. You can get away with anything if you keep this up."

"Don't worry I plan on taking advantage of that haha."

With that she bites my neck and sucks hard.

"Fuck! That feels so good baby. But if you don't stop now I'm going to explode."

"Well baby, that would be amazing. But if you want to stop that's fine sweetheart. What do you want to do while we're here?"

I smile at her, damn she's so sweet and understanding. But I don't think I'm ready yet to go all the way. Plus I really don't want her to see my stomach yet. It's scarred so bad, she's going to be horrified.

"Baby, what just happened in your pretty little head of yours?"

I realise I must of zoned out. I smile to her when I see the concern in her eyes.

"Don't worry baby, I just got a little lost in my thoughts then."

"wanna talk about it?"

"Not right now babe but honestly I'm ok. How about I pay my bet off now?"

She beams at me and her eyes turn even darker with desire and that really turns me on.

"That sounds amazing right now, especially since I'm a bit stiff from having you between my legs for so long.". She winks at me. I grab her hand and I lead her upstairs to my room.

"Lie face down on the bed, get comfortable while I just get some oil."

I go to the bathroom and I find some candles and some body lotion. I look at myself in the mirror and I smile. I have the hottest, sweetest and most considerate girl in my bed right now.

I'm one lucky bitch right now. I walk back to my room and I nearly drop my stuff.

"Fuck."

"Like what you see? I thought I would make it easier for you since it will be a FULL body massage."

I find Emily lay on the front propped up slightly on her elbows looking over her shoulder with a sultry gaze. I swallow a lump in my front. The only item of clothing left are her panties.

"Yeah that will be easier."

I take my jacket off and my biker pants. So I'm left in a vest top and my boy shorts.

I walk over to the bed and I straddle her butt.

Shit, her skin is so flawless. How lucky am I?

"I'm just warning you the lotion may be cold."

I pour the lotion down her spine and I put the bottle aside and I start massaging her back.

The moans I'm hearing during this massage are explicit and is making me so wet and turned on.

I take my sweet time massaging her back and arms thoroughly. I get off her back and sit on the edge of the bed. While I pour lotion on her legs and start massaging her calves.

I then start rubbing her feet. She has the prettiest feet. Before I know it, I start kissing the sole of her feet and lick down the sole and kiss her toes.

"Baby! That feels so good! You can do whatever you want with me right now as long as you keep playing with my feet. I'd admit to murder right now as long as you keep going."

"Haha good to know. You have very cute feet."

I start sucking her toes one by one and Emily's moan is obscene. Damn it's turning me on so much. But I'm just not ready for sex right now. But that doesn't mean I can't please Emily. I get back up and I start rubbing her thighs up and down, each time I inch closer and closer to her centre. I finally move my hands up and I gently brush Emily's centre and she pushes her ass up a bit. I gently start rubbing her panty covered core. Emily starts pushing against me while I do it.

"Em, turn around."

"Are you sure?" she props up on her elbows are looks over her shoulder.

"Yes. I'm not ready for sex yet. But... You've been so sweet and understanding to me, and I've wanted you for such a long time. I just want to show you what you mean to me."

"We can wait for it together baby, I really don't care gorgeous."

"You're so sweet, but I really want to do this for you." I smile up to her and she smiles back. Emily starts turning around and my mouth waters as I see her flawless body before me. She is stunning.

"God, you are so... Perfect and sexy as fuck!" I smirk at her and lick my lips.

I lean down and I kiss her passionately. I rest my body on her and it's just heaven. We fit perfectly. I start kissing, licking and biting her neck. Kissing down her neck I start kissing her chest. I take one of her nipples in my mouth and start sucking it. She starts moaning hard and gasping while she slips her fingers through my hair. I swap nipples and I run my hand up and down her side and start squeezing her breast.

"Keep going baby, you have got me so wet I'm not going to be able to last much longer."

"Shit keep talking like that and I'm going to cum right now my self."

I'm telling the truth, she's so damn sexy and I can't believe this is happening right now.

I start kissing down her stomach and slip my tongue into her belly button. I hook my fingers in the sides of her panties and I look at her for permission. She nods at me and smiles. So I start slowly pulling her panties down while I kiss down her legs. I take them off and throw them to the side. I climb back up her body and start kissing her mouth again. Just slow loving kisses while I trail my hand down her chest then stomach. I can't believe I'm about to touch her in the most intimate way, what if I don't please her and she has to fake it and then our whole relationship is ruined.

She takes me hand, it's only then I realise I'm shaking.

"Sweet, if you're not ready youre not ready. I've had such a great time with you today. Please don't think I'm pushing you. We can stop right now and we can just snuggle, and it'll be perfect I promise you."

"I... I'm just anxious I'm not going to please you. I've never done this before. In fact, it's so embarrassing but you're my first kiss with a girl."

She smiles at me and strokes my face. "Don't be embarrassed baby. I'm surprised I'm your first because damn, you know what to do with that sexy mouth of yours." We both laugh and I slap her on her shoulder while I blush. She always knows the right thing to say. "And with how you've made me feel right now I can say hand on my heart that you will never not please me greatly."

With that I attack her mouth with new found confidence and cup her sex with my hand. "Fuck Paige!"

I dont need anymore encouragement, I'm going to make her scream my name.


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you sooooooo much for the reviews they were awesome and I'm glad people are enjoying the story!  
To answer some of the questions, yes I am English but sometimes I feel I should have been born in America lol. And in regards to what happened to Paige, just wait and see all will be revealed in due course. I want to keep some of the mystery going!  
Btw this chapter... VERY M rated! Hope you all enjoy.

* * *

I start kissing her neck while very gently slide my hand up and down her slit. I can feel how wet she is getting. What's amazing is that even though she feels so perfect and soft, it's that I'm the one making her this wet with barely doing anything.

Tenderly I slide my index finger in her core slightly and I start circling her clit. She moans hard and loud and I moan into her ear from the sensation of feeling and hearing her. God, she is so wet and I can feel she's trying to restrain her hips.I whisper into her ear, "baby don't hold back. I want you to come so hard onto my hand. Do what makes you feel good." With that she starts bucking her hips and grinding herself against my finger. "Mmmm that's better angel, you feel so fucking good." And she does, this has to be the best experience of my life, feeling her so intimately is like nothing I've ever dreamt about. And trust me I've had some majorly rude thoughts about her before.

"Paige, shit keep g...oing! Fuck me, I need to feel you inside."

"Yum, your wish is my command.". With that I plunged my finger into her centre and start thrusting hard.

"Fuuuccckkk! Fuck fuck, keep going, you are amazing. Add more please!"

I slide two fingers inside her, turning my thrusting up a notch. I pump hard and after so many I thrust my fingers up and go back again. I keep alternating this until Emily forces my head over her nipple and demands me to suck hard because she is going to come any second.

Fuck! I think I love this demanding side of her. So i start sucking hard and flicking her nipple with my tongue.

"PAAAAAAIIIGGGGEEEE!"  
Her pussy clenches around my finger and her whole body stiffens as she screams my name as I wished. She comes over my hand, and collapses back down on to her bed struggling to catch her breathe.

"That... Was... The best thing I have ever felt!... I just can't even think right now so come snuggle."

"You are amazing."

She is, fuck I'm so turned on right now. But I'm just not ready. I rest my head on her shoulder and wrap my arm across her waist. She has a massive grin on her face and her eyes are closed.

I Paige "Poodle" McCullers, made this goddess scream my name.

Damn I'm good.

_

I find myself waking up with a boob in my face and Emily stroking my hair softly. I look up and she has the sweetest smile on her face. I grin up at her, place a kiss on her breast and sit up on my elbow just staring at her like a creeper.

"I'm really sorry I fell asleep Em, how long was I out for." I blush sheepishly at her.

"Only for about 30 minutes baby, you looked so peaceful and beautiful."

She smiles at me and I find myself launching at her and starting a heavy petting session. After a few minutes she pulls back, "Paige, that just was amazing. I've never felt anything like that before. Haha I've never come so hard or that quick before. Damn girl you got some skills haha." I smack her belly and tell her to shut up while I blush.

"Baby, I know you're not ready for sex and that's absolutely fine. But I really want to make you feel how you made me feel. Plus, I'm sure you got a little wound up before." she winks at me. But at the same time her face is open and honest and I know she won't ever rush me.

"Thank you Em. Ermm, I'm all new to this. But ermm what did you have in mind?" Her grin spreads across her face.

"Well, I could speak very naughty to you and or you could get on my leg?"

*Gulp*  
"What do you mean by that?"

She strokes the top of my chest.

"Well... I could lie on my back with my legs bent and you could grind on my thigh."

Fuck!  
"Yes. But Erm can you, you know ermm... Talk first?" You just made the sex goddess scream the first time you tried and now you're getting all shy? Come on Paige, sex up!  
But I still cant help blush.  
She grins at me and suddenly flips me on my back and she straddles me over my core. Damn, it feels good and she isn't even moving. She really is a goddess, her straight hair is splayed over her shoulders and her breasts are looking so perfect and tempting. She licks her lips and starts very slowly moving her hips. I close my eyes and moan. This is heaven.

I feel her hands on my stomach over my top and she's trailing them down. She starts playing with the hem of my top and then I suddenly grab her hands and push them away from my body.

Shit, shit, shit!  
I just can't show my body. I don't want to disgust her. I get up from under her without pushing her too hard.  
"Babe... I'm... So sorry I just can't yet. I'm just really not comfortable with taking my clothes off. It's absolutely nothing to do with you. I just can't do it." I say while facing away from her. God she must be so pissed at me for messing her about.  
Arms wrap around my stomach and she holds me.  
"Sweetie, it's absolutely fine. Please don't get upset. I just got a little carried away. Because... I mean you are so beautiful and sexy and you gave me the best orgasm I've ever felt. I just wanted to return the pleasure. But we will do this at your speed angel. If you don't like something or don't want it or feel nervous whatever, just talk to me ok?"

I turn around in her arms and I give her a kiss and smile.  
"You really are perfect Emily Fields. Now go have a shower and I'll clean up because I should get you back home." She mock pouts and I show her to the bathroom. I tidy up and when she is ready we share another long kiss, I lock up and we start driving back to her house.  
I am so happy right now I could cry very happy tears.


	16. Chapter 16

Cheers for the reviews as awesome, really means a lot that people take their time to respond and people are enjoying this :-D.

* * *

I take my time riding back and go as much of a scenic route as I could. I can't believe this day has happened. Had a meltdown this morning and by evening I've made Emily have an orgasm. I can't believe how amazing she is and how good she makes me feel. Before we set off, I asked if she wanted to come to mine or drop her home. Immediately she says mine. 99% is ecstatic, but the other 1% of me is so horny that I really need to get off. I've never been this worked up in my life. I wonder if my parents will let her stay over? Mmmm if so I wonder if I can get her to finish what she started.

We pull into the drive and I park up. She holds my hand as we walk into the house. Her hands are so soft.

"Hey all!"

Hmmm no answer. I dragged her to the kitchen so we could get a drink. I find a note on the fridge door saying that they will be gone until midnight and If it's ok with Emily's mum she can stay over. Freaking awesome!

"Babe? Do you want to stay over? Everyone's out till midnight so that gives us about 5 hours... All alone."I say this while I run my hands up her arms.

"Yes baby I really do. Let me just ring my mum." She smiles at me and goes to use the phone.  
She comes back and says her mum is cool with it. I smile, take her hand and lead her upstairs. When we get into my room I push her back on my bed. Take my trousers off so I'm just in my top and boy shorts. Climbing up her body and capture her shocked but smiling lips and kiss her passionately. We start making out and mix it up with kissing and biting her neck. Shit I'm so worked up right now.

"You promised you would talk to me, sexy." I smirk while I carry on attacking her neck.

"Fuck Paige, you are so hot! When you are ready I'm going to take my sweet time worshipping your body. I'm going to make you squirm and beg me for release. I'm going to start from your feet, kissing and sucking your toes. Then kiss lick and nip up your legs. Id slide my tongue up your inner thigh and just miss your pussy while I start kissing up your hips and over your stomach."

"Fuck Em! Shit that sounds amazing I can't wait!" I'm not sure when I started but I find my myself grinding myself down on to her core. I'm really not going to last much longer. I'm aching down there and I really need friction. So I decide to be bold.

"Em? Can you Erm... You know?... Erm lift your leg up please?" She grabs my face and crushes her lips to mine while she lifts a leg up. I hesitantly straddle over her leg and start rubbing myself on it.

Fuuccck! This feels so good! She keeps kissing me while she scratches down my back. My leg pushes on her core and she's loving it If her moans and expletives tell me anything. I rest my head on her neck and I start grinding harder and faster. I feel myself build up more and more and I know I'm going to cum very soon.

"Eeeeemmmmm! I'm so close soooo sooo close." With that Em scratched her nails down my back so hard I think she's drawn blood. But even though it's painful it felt amazing and with a few more thrusts I tense and I explode and I scream random sounds and words. Fuck, Emily Fields has just given me an orgasm, a totally mind blowing one at that! I roll off her and I try to breathe normally but it's really hard. I feel amazing! I slide my hand down my body and slide my fingers in my panties without even thinking, to see how wet I am.

"Christ, Paige! Are you trying to kill me !?"

"Haha, I'm sorry baby I just needed to feel how wet you made me feel!" I am absolutely soaking wet. Damn, I've never felt anything like it before! I take my hand out, quite smug in the knowledge that I can use what I just did to my advantage at some point. Her eyes rolled back and she moaned when I touched myself.

"Mmmm don't do that unless you want me to savage you haha!"

I might have to tease her now. I jump up and straddle her hips while I slide my hand in my panties and start slowly rubbing my clit. She's just lay there with her mouth wide open and moaning.

"What you mean not to this?" I smirk at her.

"Yes, exactly that! Fuck, Paige. You are such a tease right now." she tries to laugh it off but I can see how her eyes are so lustful and she's struggling to keep it together. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Here I am teasing her like crazy, which by the way I have no idea where all this confidence has come from, and she's respecting my wishes of not to have sex yet. I can't believe it. I pull my hand out and I run my hands all over her torso. She is just perfect. She must be mad being interested in me, but I'm going to try my hardest not to push her away.

Realising a few tears have fallen down my face, Emily gently wipes them away.

"Why are you crying baby?"

"Don't worry angel, they're very happy tears.". I smile at her. And she smiles hard back at me.

"Come and lie down baby and snuggle, we've had a long day and I just want to rest right now sexy."

I lie down next to her and she wrapse in her arms and I rest my head on her chest. I'm truthfully really happy right now and I haven't felt this happy I think ever. I quickly fall into a peaceful slumber with a smile on my face.

Thank you for reading! Little bit of smutty fluff for you but will be getting more series soon!


	17. Chapter 17

Thanks again for all the awesome reviews. You guys just totally rock! \0/

* * *

I wake up with hair in my face and a warm body pressed close up to mine. Smiling brightly, I wrap my arms around her and just bask in this bliss. I look over to my clock and it's 11am.  
Shit! I haven't slept in this late for a while. We should really get up and face the music with my family. They are going to be embarrassing I just know it.

I start stroking Emily's hair and kiss the top of her head saying her name calmly so not to wake her up with a jolt. She starts stirring and lifts her head to look at me and gives me a gentle kiss on my lips.

"Morning gorgeous."

"Well its not morning for much longer sweetheart its 11am."

"Haha oops sorry darling. I haven't slept that well in years. But unfortunately I'm going to have to get going. I told my mum I'd be back for lunch." She has the adorable pout right now which I just have to kiss, which I do.

"It's ok baby, we'll see each other tomorrow at school. Do you want a lift there?"

"Only if I get you between my thighs again!" she winks at me and smirks.

"You are going to be the death of me you know!" She really will be.

"Paige I really need a shower before I go, can I use yours?"

"Sure babe."

I direct her to the bathroom and give her towels and toiletries. I also had to decline to share her shower, even though that was very hard! She giggled when I declined and informed me she would just have to use her imagination. I think she really wants to kill me. I use the other bathroom and take a shower and get ready. Once I've finished I find that Emily isn't upstairs and I can hear noise downstairs. Ugh crap, time to give the music. I go downstairs and go to the living room. Everyone including Emily is in the living room chatting away with each other. I just survey the scene for the moment and I'm so happy that my family and Emily get on so well together. Emily spots me, she gets up and bids everyone farewell. She wishes Scar a safe journey. My dad asks if she will back soon which she tells them she hopes so and smiles genuinely at them.

"She better." I say, to which she smiles at.

They say their farewells and I lead her out.

"I've had an amazing weekend Paige. I'll see you tomorrow gorgeous." She holds my hands and gives me a short but passionate kiss before she starts walking away. Damn, she amazing. She has made me go all shivery and jelly inside.

The rest of the day consisted of family trying to get all sorts of details out of me but my lips are sealed. They did say that Emily is amazing and she can see what a good influence she is to me and my health.

We see Scar off and I'm really gutted. I tell her I'll miss her and that she needs to text or ring me as soon as she gets back. She texts me once she was finally home and I feel much better knowing she's home ok. I miss her already. She's my rock.

* * *

Next morning comes and I get ready for school and to pick her up. I try to wear sexy casual clothes. What? I'm feeling kinda sexy today and I want to treat she won't see until we get to school and I take my protective gear off.

Once we're at school I park up and take my helmet off. After the bliss of the weekend I've not once thought about school. Fuck, how are people going to react? I really don't want to be bothered and Emily is really only my proper friend at school. Yeah I have acquaintances but no real proper friends. I know Emily is out at school, but I really don't think I can be right at this moment, plus she had her friends support. Agh Paige you idiot what are you doing? Stop freaking out and don't run away like usual. Right, just breathe and talk to Emily, get it out in the open.

"Em, I really don't want to shit all over the weekend. But, I really don't know if im ready to be out at school."

"Oh." She looks shocked and crestfallen.

"Sorry."

Sorry? Sorry? Is that all you can say? My mouth just gets stuck and I just can't explain myself. Yes I do want to be out eventually. But I need to prepare for it.

"Erm, well yeah thanks for the lift Paige. I'll see you later." She runs off before I can explain anything.

Shit shit arse bollocks! What the fuck have I just done?!


	18. Chapter 18

Warning, triggery I'm sorry. Thankyou again for reviews! Love you guys. Short I'm sorry!

* * *

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, Emily barely talks to me and we barely see each other. Just a few generic how you doing texts. I just couldn't bring myself to have that conversation just yet. I spoke to my family about it for long periods each night and they have been so supportive. Telling me that it'll be better out but when I'm ready and they will be there for me all the way. I really really care for Emily, but I keep fucking it all up. What is wrong with me? It's thursday morning and I'm getting into school. I park up and I can see Emily's car but can't see her there. I trudge into the school on a mission, knowing I need to suck it up. I finally find her standing by the locker getting her files for the next class. Taking a massive deep breath, I almost march up to her, taking her hand I pull her to face me. Slipping my hands through her hair I place a big deep kiss on her lips. She catches her breathe when I kiss her and quickly relaxes into. Pulling my back we rest our foreheads together.

"I'm so sorry baby, I just hadn't prepared. We had such an amazing weekend I didn't even think. But nothing is going stop me from being with you. Fears can piss off."

She grins hard and places a quick kiss on my lips.

"I'm sorry too baby, I should have spoke to you, but I'm so happy I don't have to hide you. Youre to perfect to conceal."

My face hurts I'm so happy. "Come on sweet, let me walk you to class." taking another deep breathe, I entwine our hands and we walk to class. We get a few stares, but nothing I can't handle. Dropping her off at her room, we share a quick peck and Start rushing to my class.

* * *

It's Friday afternoon and I'm waiting for Emily at my bike so I can take her home. I'm having dinner at the Fields house tonight and I'm shittin it! What do I say and do? The car park is pretty empty now, Emily said she would be a little later as she just needed to talk to a teacher. A group of 4 jocks or dicks I like to call them walk close to me. What the hell do they want?

"So I hear you're a filthy dyke now! What you need McCullers is a real man to set you straight." One of them sneers at me. He touches my hair and one of them gropes my arse. Fuck I feel my chest tightening and my breathing quicken up. I feel sick, but I'm frozen I can't move or say anything. They circle around me and start leering and touching me.

"Hey! Get the fuck off her now!" I hear a male voice shout. I can see a hustle and shouting and a female voice. I'm struggling to breathe. I'm shaking fuck I need to get out of here. Everything is closing in on me, I feel like I'm going to throw up, I can't cope.

"Paige... Paige, can you hear me?"

I feel a hand on my shoulder, it jolts me and I see Hanna, Em's friend.

"Shhh it's ok Paige it's over they've gone sweetheart."

I can't do this, I need to go. I push her away from me jump on my bike I get out of there.


	19. Chapter 19

Another trigger graphic warning, beware.

* * *

Fuck fuck fuck. I knew I shouldn't have come out yet, I'm not ready. Should have waited until college. I can't deal with it. Just feeling so disgusting right now. I can feel their hands all over me. Shit, crawling over my skin. I feel like I'm going to explode. I need to do something. Something I haven't done for a long time but I need to. I ride as hard and as fast as I can to the chemist. I get what I need and next thing I realise I'm at the lake house. I need to be alone. I run up into it and race to the bathroom throwing my clothes off. Putting the lid down on the toilet I sit down. Rushing to unwrap the blades. I'll calm down soon I hope. I take the fresh new blade and take my first cut. It's hard, fast and deep.

My emotions feel like they are flowing out a bit, just getting a sense of ease. Slicing my skin is getting rid of those pent up emotions I had instead of exploding. I keep hacking until it starts to hurt and feel much calmer.

Fuck, there's blood everywhere, but I can't seem to give a shit right now. All that matters to me is that i can think a bit clearer now.

I feel my breathing go steady after what feela like forever. Everything hits me when I see my stomach. What the fuck have I done? The blood is just all down my stomach, legs and floor. Thank god the floor is tile. I need a shower, damn it's going to hurt.

I start the shower, and get in. I feel so numb now that I barely feel the pain of the water thrashing on my stomach. I finish up and wrap myself in a towel. And clean up the bathroom. I go to my bedroom and lie down.

I kinda wish I didn't cancel my appointment with dr liz last Sunday. Maybe I should have spoken to her. Too late now. What does it matter anymore? I'll never change, so what's the fucking point? The darkness is creeping back.

_I'm lying in my bed in my cage of a room. I can just hear bustle of the other people outside my room. Thoughts are flying through my head. I just can't get rid of them. My head can't think straight. Why can't they fucking stop! I wish I could get out of here, but they won't let me yet. Fuckers! I need to get out of here. I just can't do this anymore, I just can't do it. I walk out of my room and go to the nurses station. _

_"Let me the fuck out of here now!" I slammed my hands on the table._

_"Paige, you know I can't just let you out. Please can you not shout, let's go to the quiet room and we can talk." _

_"The fuck I will! I want out of here now."_

_"Paige, I'm going to have to ask you again to not to shout. Now you know why you can't leave. You are on a 72hour hold and you can't leave."_

_"Shit!" I'm so fucking cramped in my head right now. I storm back to my room, I need some release. So I start punching the wall as hard as I can, punch after punch after punch until arms are wrapped around me and I'm slammed to the floor._

"Aggghhhhhhh!"

I bolt upright in my bed and I look around me. I'm just at the lake house, I'm not there anymore. I look down at my stomach and it's caked in blood still and all over the bed. I get some antiseptic wipes and I start cleaning my wounds. I attempt to bandage my stomach up. Damn I did a bad job, I can count about 8 deep ones and the rest are superficial. Shit I think one or two need stitches. I'm going to have to butterfly strip them, which I do. I clean up get dressed and dump all the sheets in the bin outside. Damn, it hurts to really walk and move too much.

I don't know what to do? I really don't know what to do. Fuck, Emily I just left her! I check my phone in my pocket and I realise it's dead. Hanna has probably told her what happened. She won't ever want to touch me again. I need to go away for a bit. I go back into the house, grab my spare charger some clothes and shove them in a bag. I mount my bike and set off to anywhere but home.


	20. Chapter 20

I ride around all the back roads to get avoid people. It's getting pretty late and I'm running low on petrol. I find a sign for a b & b just up ahead and I make the next turn.

Locking my bike up, I walk towards the front door and go in. It's small, quaint, cozy and in the middle of nowhere. It's perfect, they have one room left lucky for me and I book in for leaving on Sunday. Damn I'm so achey right now, I need to lie down. I get given the key and she leads me upstairs to show me to my room. I get in and lie tenderly on the bed. I'm exhausted and find myself not fighting to stay awake.

The sunlight from the partly opened blinds wakes me up. I must have slept all night. That sleep was a must as I'm feeling refreshed but down. I'm feeling kinda numb from the whole situation. Running away shouldn't have been my first option. But I'm here now, so I should use this time to try and relax. Suddenly I realise that my phone is still dead and I should really charge it. People keep telling me I need to keep lines of conversation open, especially if I'm to keep well. But what I want is to sink into this depression, let it consume me. It's far easier to sink than it is to stay afloat.

I know my family and Emily will be worried so u should at least tell them I'm alive, but not necessarily safe. I'm defiantly not ok. Plugging my charger into my phone I wait for it too load up. It takes a while for it to actually switch but when it does I see I have over a 100 texts and many voicemails.

Shit! I really don't want to deal with that right now. But I send a group text to my parents, scar and Emily. Telling them that I'm ok but I really just need some space and I'll be back in a few days. After that, I turn the vibrate off and put it on silent before I place it in the nightstand. The bed is comfortable and I lay back down and I close my eyes.

* * *

_"Paige, I see from the reports that you've been here for two days now. You've been extremely agitated and are showing signs of severe depression. Would you like to tell me how you are feeling?"_

_"No, I just want to go back home. I'm fine I don't need to be here!"_

_"Do you want to talk about why you hurt your hand yesterday."_

_"I was just frustrated because I want to go home! You are keeping me here for no reason."_

_Why can't they just let me go? I can do what I need to do out of here. I can't fucking do anything here. _

_"Paige, you made an extremely serious near successful attempt on your life. You need to be here to get well. We want to keep you safe from hurting yourself. So that's why we want to keep you here longer. Will you voluntary stay here in the hospital longer?"_

_"Fuck no!" they can't make me stay, I just need to get of here and finish the job. I just fucking can't take living like this anymore. It's just too hard. I'm so tired, and Im never going to feel better so what's the point?_

_"Then I'm afraid we have to keep you here for at least a 28 day assessment. We need to keep you safe Paige. I'm worried that if we let you out, that you will attempt to take your life again and no one wants that."_

_"Except me.."_

_Fuck! Why did I just say that?! _

_I burst out crying. Why are they punishing me. I'm not going to harm anyone. It'll be better for everyone when I'm gone._

I'm just lying on the bed slipping in an out of slumber. Thinking about that time. Things are so different yet the same. Those thoughts and feeling will alway be there. Whether they are constant at the forefront of my mind or hidden deep.

They will always be with me.

So why should I bother?


	21. Chapter 21

Cheers so much for the reviews! The mental health stuff is kind of very semi Loose experiences I went through last year.

Hope people are still enjoying it!

* * *

I just spend the day lying in bed. I just can't be arsed to eat right now. I'm just letting myself sink in the misery.

But I shouldn't. Do you not remember how hard you worked to get to a good place? What you went through?

Stop sinking.

With a groan I sit up and grab my phone. More texts and calls. I really don't want to read or listen to them right now.

I really need to speak to Scar. I'm starting to get agitated and upset. She's going to be so pissed off at me. Fuck, but I got to bite the bullet.

I think I need some serious help. But, fuck I can't go back that I just can't. I promised myself I never would.

I start calling her phone and it only takes two rings to answer.

"Shit, Paige! You better be alive right now or I'll kill you!"

"Hi Scar." I say sombrely.

"Poodle, where are you? Please tell me." she pleads. She tries to sound calm but I can hear she is upset. I just can.

"I don't want to say. But I promise I will be home tomorrow. I just need to be alone right now you know?"

"I understand that, but people are so worried about you. Dad went to check the lake house just before we received your text... He found the sheets Paige and the wrappers from the bandages. He thought you had killed yourself. Lucky you sent that text poodle. He's so upset and worried. We all are! Emily, told us what her friend saw. Theyve been expelled sweetheart, it was even caught on CCTV so you need to make a statement to the police." I can hear she's chocking on her tears and it's killing me.

"Scar please don't cry hunni, I never wanted to upset or hurt anyone... It's... It's just I freaked, it was horrible and I dunno made me feel and think a lot of bad things."

"Sweet, with the amount of blood on those sheets, you really need to get those cuts checked out."

"they're fine and bandaged. Scar im going to go now. Tell mum and dad I love them and I'll see them tomorrow."

"Fucking promise on MY life you will be back home alive tomorrow Paige, I mean it."

Shit, to be honest I have a lot of bad thoughts right now. But I can at least promise until tomorrow.

"I promise Scar. I love you so much."

We say our goodbyes and I end the call.

I think about calling Emily. I can see she has rung so many times and left so many messages. I just can't speak to her like that yet. So I settle for a text.

**Hi, I'm sorry for worrying everyone. Just what happened really freaked me out. You know by now when I get scared, I run. You deserve more than me x -Paige**

Literally seconds after I've sent it I get a call from her. I ignore it. I can just about handle a text.

**I'm soo soo soo happy you are ok. I was worried sick. It's all my fault if I wasn't a bitch and make you feel bad about not coming out, this wouldn't have happened.**

**I'm so so sorry angel. - Em**

Fuck how does she think any of tho is her fault?

**It is not your fault at all. They're just nasty pricks. I'm just glad hanna and I presume Caleb was there as well. Please do not apologise. - Paige**

**I'm still sorry you were hurt. Can you please come back. I just really want to see you or I can come see you. I just want no need to see for myself you are ok. Please? -Em**

Hmmm, I just don't know. Once she finds out what I did she is going to think I'm a freak. But I really want to see her, need her to hold me. I feel safe in her arms. I know I should isolate myself, but it's really tempting to. I think about it for about 10 minutes.

**Ok, but give me an hour and meet me at the lake where you took me please.**

**Excellent, I'll see you soon. Miss you xxxxx**

I get my shit together and pay the lady and set off. My stomach is so sore right now. It's going to be a struggle to ride.

I pull up behind Emily's car and she races out and pulls me into a tight hug before I can even get off my bike. It feels so good to feel her but really painful as well, but I can't flinch because I can't let her know.

She pulls my helmet off and kisses me hard and frantic and I kiss her back with just as much passion.

"Shit I'm sorry baby youre not even off your bike yet."

"No problems". I smile at her.

"please can you just come home please?" she looks at me pleadingly.

"Ok then."

I don't particularly want to go back yet, but I can't bear to upset Emily anymore. So we start to head back. I'm getting more and more nervous as we get closer. My parents are going to be so upset and fuck my dad had to see the blood. Shit, I don't know what to say.

We finally get to the house and we both park up, I get off the bike and my mum runs out and starts crying when she hugs me. Last thing I ever wanted to do was upset them. I burst into tears too and my dad comes and wraps his arms around us. We don't say anything we just hold each other.

We finally part and I see Emily hanging back.

"Thanks for bringing her back Emily. Come in an why don't you two go to Paige's room and just relax for a bit. We'll get take out for dinner." my dad says.

"No problem Mr McCullers I'm just glad she's back. And Thank you for inviting me in."

She walks up to me and grabs my hand. She leads me to my bedroom in silence. Emily pulls the covers back and I lie down. She lays down beside me and buddles me up on her arms and she holds me tight while I rest my head on her chest. So much shit is going on in my head right now that I can't concentrate on thing. Silence washes over us and after a few minutes I just burst out crying and I don't think I'll ever stop.


	22. Chapter 22

Emily just held me for what felt liked hours while I sobbed my heart out. It was in fact probably only half an hour. She just held me and stroked my hair, not trying to stop me crying or even talk. Just held me. I hate when people try to make me talk.

_"So Paige, you've been here a week now. Can you tell us how you are feeling?"_

_I don't say a word. I'm sick of talking. It doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't take the graphic thoughts and feelings away so why should I bother._

_"I know this must be very scary for you right now. Not at home and a place full of strangers. Can you tell me if you have harmed yourself again since you hurt your fist?"_

_Nothing. I keep my eyes to my trainers and concentrate on the material and each mark there is._

_"How are you finding the medication Paige? Let's see... We put you on a short dose of Diazepam for two weeks and we started you on the anti depressant duloxetine."_

_Other than numbing feeling of diazepam, they're not doing a thing except fuzz my thoughts a bit. But those thoughts are there. They're always there._

_"Paige if you want to get out of here soon and well you need to start engaging. I can understand its difficult and scary. But you can't start your recovery until you start to engage."_

_Wish they would just fuck off and let me out of here._

_"Ok Paige, I'll let you go now I don't want to cause you anymore stress. Remember that anti depressants can take up to 6 weeks to even show an effect. Please hold onto that. Staff are here to support you. Please try and engage, even just to say hello. I'll see you this time next week."_

_Well too fucking late, they're causing me stress keeping me locked up here. I can't even leave to get some fresh air, even with staff because of that section 2 they put me on. The moment I get a chance, I'm out of here and this life for good_.

My sobs slow down and I'm able to start catching my breathe again. I really don't want to talk and Emily is being so understanding without me even having to say anything. She just knows. But why should I put her through this?

"Emily... Just... Just Thankyou for knowing the right thing to do. You are just incredible."

"I'm not baby, I just really care for you, and I feel we have this connection that I've never felt with anyone."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I hope I can help you through whatever this is. Those bastards have been expelled and arrested. The police want you to make a statement, but they can charge without it as its on CCTV and there was witnesses. Do you think you will be up for it tomorrow? My mum works as a clerk there and the police who work in that area are lovely. So please don't be scared. I'll be right with you."

I really don't want to think or talk about it. But I know it's the right thing to do. If they did that with Emily, shit I would kill them.

"Ok, I will. Promise you will be there for me."

"I promise on my life, I'll do whatever you need."

I kiss her to show how thankful I am. It's full of emotion and gratitude. We slow the kisses down and lazily explore each others lips. I'm starting to feel a lot calmer.

"Dinners here girls, come down if you want some." Dinner is a pretty subdued affair. Only a little small talk. Emily tells me she has to go but she will pick me up at 11am to take me to the station. She hugs my parents and I see her off.

Walking back into the living room, my mum and dad look up to me. They look so sad. My dad asks if we can talk, so I sit down on the chair opposite them.

"Paige, we are so glad you ok. We really thought we had lo.." he chokes on his words and I just lower my head down in shame.

"Sweetie, we're not angry, we were and are so worried. We know you Paige and we know when you get really upset that you avoid things and go in your shell. But I thought you could talk to us now? Or at least got in contact sooner." my mum explains.

"I'm so sorry mum, I just panicked. When they were doing those things I just got so scared I froze, I couldn't do a thing... I felt so dirty and claustrophobic I just had to go." I sob out. My mum sits on the arm of the chair and just holds me and my dad holds my hand.

"Paige... I need the blades."

Shit please don't take them. They're like my safety net, even if I don't use them. It makes me feel safer to know I have them. But, I want to make my parents feel better so I tell them they're in my bag and I only got the one lot. My dad gets them and goes upstairs. Probably to lock them away until he can get rid of them.

I ask if I can go to my room to rest, which they let me do. I'm done with talking today, so I get in bed and have an early night.


	23. Chapter 23

Thanks so much for the reviews!  
Loveyoutilltheend:-I'm glad you are in a good place now. I wasnt for a while and had an awful awful year where I ended up in hospital. But I'm in a great place now, feeling good and motivated. But it took a long and hard journey to get to this point.

* * *

It's Monday morning and I'm at school. Emily gave me a ride this time. Maybe to try and stop me from running off, I don't know. Sunday consisted of going to the station to give my statement. The detectives were lovely and made it as easy as possible for me. But it upset me reliving it again. My parents made me stay downstairs for a whole after, probably to keep an eye out on me so I don't hurt myself. I won't tell them thats exactly what I want to do plus the hidden packet of blades I have on me which I didn't tell them about. It makes me feel better and a bit calmer knowing they are right there If needed. But in the end I only did a few scratches late at night when they were asleep. Nothing major, just a few. To be honest I wanted to do a lot more but I couldn't risk them finding out so I had to settle.

Emily walks me hand in hand to my locker. I try not to notice people whispering at staring at me. Bet they all know now. Bet they're thinking I'm some dyke slut, and I got the popular football player expelled. They all hate me I know it. I'm starting to feel that tight knot in my stomach when I get wound up. I try to take some deep breathes and concentrate on the feel of Emily's hand. I think she has noticed as she keeps glancing at me and squeezing my hand tight. Since I didn't go on Friday, Emily has organised another meal with her family this Friday. Dont know how I feel about that. Standing by the lockers, Emily's friends come to us.

"Hi Em, hi Paige." says Hanna. I've never really spoken to them properly other than Spencer. Aria and Spencer also wave at me. I say hey back and I lean into Emily for a bit of support. Spencer then looks at us kinda angrily but it then stops.

Fuck I think she's checking me out by the way she just looked me up and down then while em, Hanna and aria are talking. Ok I think I must be losing it, especially as she is a 1000% straight. Must be imagining it. Anyway they all just chat aimlessly about up coming lessons and crappy teachers.

I never actually thanked Hanna and caleb for saving me. I don't want to think about it but I must thank at them.

"Hanna, can I just have a quick word with you.,,, alone?" Hanna looks a bit shocked but then smiles and says ok. Emily smiles at me, gives my lip ls a peck and tells me to meet us all for lunch if she wants. I said I will, even thought that thought is frightening, but I'd do anything for her. I know how important her friends are too her , so I agree.

The 3 friends walk off, and I suddenly get all shy. "So what was it you wanted to talk about hun?"

"Erm, about Friday... I... I just want to thank you and caleb of course for saving me. I just froze and I couldn't do anything?" I feel myself get that sore feeling at the back of your throat when you try to prevent yourself from crying.

"Oh Paige, you never have to thank us. I'm just so glad you ok and we got there on time. Emily was distraught when we told her. You make her so happy Paige, I've seriously never seen her this happy. You're good for her. I hope we can get closer as well? Can I give you a hug? You look like you need it?"

She is so sweet, I really do hope I make Emily as happy as she says.

"You sure I make her that happy? And yeah we can hug." I smile back at her. Hanna then wraps me up in a big hug but I wince when she catches the cuts on my stomach.

"Shit are you ok?" she asks after noticing me wince.

"Yeah, just an old swimming injury playing up." I quickly lie.

We part our own ways after saying by and the rest of the day flies by. Lunch was ok, was mainly them 4 chatting but they all tried to include me, which made me feel more comfortable. Except, I kept catching Spencer staring and smiling at me. Ugh what's up with that? She also tells me she's looking forward to play hockey together. Which I forgot starts this week. It's going to kill me I know it. Plus Swimming.

Shit swimming! How can't swim with how bad those cuts are. I just hope my parents can give me a week off from them both, to let them heal better. Lunch finishes and the rest of the flashes by fast.

After getting dropped off by Emily and some pretty sizzling make out time in the car, I go in chill out on the couch waiting for the rents to get home. This is going to be a awkward conversation.


	24. Chapter 24

After my parents arrived home and we started to have dinner I decided that I need to tell my parents that I need the week off from my sports.

"Mum, dad, I know you found the sheets from the house. So you obviously know I cut again. I need to take the week off swimming and hockey to make sure they're healed. Any chance you can do a note for me please, I'm really sorry to ask you this."

I said all this very quickly and not making eye contact because I'm so ashamed.

"Of course dear, I'll write you one tonight, take as much time as you need. Are... Are they bad?" my mum asks.

"Well... They're not great, but I have them under control."

"ok love, please look after them, we can take you to the doctors if you need too."

"No, i should be alright thanks. I need to make an appointment with Dr liz as well. It was stupid to cancel the last one."

"Well I'll make one tomorrow for you sweet. I'm glad you are realising that you don't have to suffer alone. You can always talk to us you know." my dad responds. "But anyway, how are you and Emily doing?"

I smile brightly, "Yeah she's amazing, thanks. She's been so supportive."

"Thats brilliant to hear. You're having dinner with the family aren't you on Friday? Maybe soon we can invite the Fields over for a meal. What do you think?"

"Haha, well let me see how it goes with them. They might hate me!"

"Paige they could never hate you! You have my charm and wit!" my dad tells me, with a smirk on his face.

"Yeah sure dad." I say while I stick my tongue out at him.

* * *

I gave my note in and my coaches where fine with it. I still watched from the sidelines, making sure I didn't miss anything. The week went by quickly with no major issues. I have an appointment with Dr liz this Saturday. Damn we have a lot to catch up and talk about.

Ugh Friday, I have to meet Em's parents. I'm sure they're lovely but I hate meeting new people so much! Im really nervous. I've only cut a few times since Friday. It's been a struggle to go without. Once you get stuck in that cycle it feels like you are stuck in it forever. No one knows I've started up again. Emily doesn't even know I've ever done it. And it's going to stay that way for as long as possible.

Emily and her friends have been very inclusive of me, we've had lunch all together most days. Hannah's hilarious and very sweet. Briefly been introduced to Caleb and I thanked him as well. He was very modest about it, and was glad he could help me. He seems a nice guy. Emily and I haven't seen each other too much, but major making out sessions have been involved. Seriously I could kiss her forever, she makes me feel so good. She calms my agitation down. She's been trying to talk about what happened over the weekend subtly, but I don't want to talk about it and she has respected that.

She picks me up from my locker and we go to her car to take us to the Fields residence. Getting really nervous, I think Emily notice this and leans over to squeeze my thigh.

Fuck, if I wasn't so nervous I would be very turned on by now with her hand there and how hot she looks.

We pull up at her house, "Paige there is no need to be nervous angel, they will love you I promise.". With that she gives me a slow loving kiss and exits the car.

Come on Paige you can do this! She leads me in the house and she shouts for her parents. Her mum tells us she is in the kitchen.

"Hello Paige, it's lovely to finally meet you!"

"It's good too mee you too Mrs Fields. You have a beautiful home."

"Oh honey call me Pam and thank you very much." She smiles a real genuine smile and tells us that dinner won't be ready for another hour, so we should hang out in Emily's room.

Oh my god, I'm going to her room, going to see her bed. jeez all the naughty thoughts that are running through my head right now are bad. She leads me in and pushes me against the door and starts attacking my neck.

"Fuck Em, that feels so good baby. But I don't think I'm going to be able to be quiet."

"Haha, aww well I'll have to stop then won't I?" She then walks away put her tv on a music channel and sits on the bed with a not so innocent smirk plastered onto her face.

"Tease!" I stick my tongue out at her.

"Why don't you bring that tongue over here and put it to good use!"

Damn, that got me so hot and wet, the things I want to do to that girl right now should be illegal but we need to stop.

"Mmmm babe, I'd love to but I want to make a good impression on your folks. It ain't going to happen, if I make you cum on my tongue." I say winking at her. Fuck where did that come from. She looks shocked but so turned on as well. I don't know how I'm not going to ravish her.

"Come on Em, let's watch tv and snuggle before dinner."

"That sounds perfect, but I may need 10 cold showers in a row to cool me down from that mouth of yours."

We both laugh and I snuggle into her side after she puts a will and grace DVD in.

LOVE this show!


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